Hand of Sorrow
by Yuna Cifer
Summary: Pacing his office Severus contemplates his past mistakes, and wonders if it was all worth it.


**AN: This is a song fic, I've always thought that Within Temptation's song Hand of Sorrow was perfect for Snape and so here I'am writing a fic for him. **

**I don't own Harry Potter nor do I own Hand of Sorrow. **

Snape stood pacing in his office, portrait of the headmaster snoozing quietly behind him. Everything was coming together just as Dumbledore had hoped but Snape had doubts. Dumbledore had practically raised Harry for slaughter the second he was marked with that abhorrent scar. Snape scowled this was that damned prophecy! If he had known that delivering it would come to this, he never would have said a word.

"Oh Lily I'm so sorry. Will you ever forgive me?" Snape questioned aloud more to himself. Great know he was going insane, talking to himself. Snape continued pacing the office.

_**The child without a name grew up to be the hand  
To watch you, to shield you, or kill on demand  
The choice he'd made he could not comprehend  
His blood a grim secret they had to command**_

He had protected the child from harm the moment he arrived at the school, he had never known of course. He'd always ridiculed the child for reminding him of Potter. He made sure he knew his father what his father was. It made no difference distance he created between the two was not enough. The boy's eyes always made him remember her. The way she smiled, green eyes glistening. That only fueled his hate more, but when he insulted the Granger girl and saw hate in those eyes it only reminded him of the last time he saw Lily look at him hatefully.

Oh, Lily I loved you didn't you see that. Those words I didn't mean it. I hadn't meant to make you cry, I never wanted to see that face. You had every right to hate me then, I would hate me, and I do hate me. I miss you Lily, come back to me. I just couldn't let that git Potter win anymore, now he realized that if he had stepped back never said those words. Lily might still be alive, might. But his damned pride got in his way.

_**He's torn between his honor and the true love of his life  
He prayed for both but was denied**_

His life was forfeit now he'd given it all up to protect Lily and now she was gone. Now he wore a mask hiding himself, doing what he must to protect Harry. When would it be too much, when would he lose himself behind his mask. Had he already lost himself? Who was he really? He tried to think back, there wasn't much in the way of happy memories, even at home. So much had been lost to this war, so much innocence, not even the students were spared in this time. Where would the line be drawn this time, was there even a line?

_**So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed  
Was it worth the ones we loved and had to leave behind  
So many years have passed**__._

It was folly of him to join the Death Eaters then but he had been so young, foolish. A drunken father and a deceased mother, for him there was no choice. He was lost looking for attention someone who understood, or at least somewhere, where he belonged. An oath, a mark, and a promise of unity were all it took for him. Then he heard that abhorred prophecy, the one that set thing in motion, ruined everything. Of course he delivered the message faithfully, looking for praise, which he got. It helped his master. But he targeted the Potters which ultimately meant Lily. Snape despaired if he could have left he would have, but his mark seared into his arm held him there. He begged Dumbledore to save Lily hid here. He even dared to ask the Dark Lord to spare her. If he was going to blame anyone it should have been himself. He cursed his foolishness daily.

_**The curse of his powers tormented his life  
Obeying the crown was a sinister crime  
His soul was tortured by love and by pain  
He surely would flee, but the oath made him stay**_

The Dark Lord was destroyed, by a child no less. It must have been some sort of cosmic joke the Dark Lord being destroyed by Potter's spawn. Snape returned to Dumbledore knowing his fate as sure as he knew white from black. He would be kissed, a soulless shell, nothing more. He begged once more for mercy Dumbledore gave him one option. You will serve the Order as a spy until Voldemort returns, he is not gone just not himself anymore. Snape obliged.

_**Please forgive me for the sorrow  
For leaving you in fear  
For the dreams we had to silence  
That's all there'll ever be  
Still I'll be the hand that serves you  
Though you'll not see that it is me**_

I cannot do this anymore! Snape yelled at Dumbledore. The boy is wearing thin on my nerves.

_What is it about Harry that is bothering you? Dumbledore questioned not having to ask which boy was getting on Severus's nerves. _

_The boy is a catastrophe in potions, he is just like is father arrogant down to the last hair, he causes more trouble than the Weasley twins combined, and my God the trouble he gets into. Snape said ticking off his fingers. Need I say more?_

_Well, Severus everyone can't be a genius in potions like you. Dumbledore said offhandedly._

_That's not what I meant! Snape growled absolutely fuming. His arrogance is just like his fathers, he has no respect. _

_I see. Dumbledore said inclining his head. You despise the boy because you are reminded of James Potter and therefore you forget why you are here in the first place._

_Lily. Snape whispered to himself._

_In your anger you fail to remember that the boy is also Lily's son. Dumbledore said._

_I know that Albus! I have not forgotten. Snape yelled_

_Then why do you hate him so? Dumbledore questioned._

_I sent Lily to her death…it's my fault. I have no right to befriend her son. Snape said jerkily, he'd never told anyone why he disliked Harry. Dumbledore saved him and in doing so gained something from Severus that no one else had, trust. Snape was afraid, he was afraid of rejection from Harry. He didn't want to get to know Harry and have him find out, and then hate him. Snape was most afraid of having Lily's green eyes look at him with betrayal and hate. He never wanted that her beautiful eyes to harbor that hatred again. It was better to not have any relationship with the boy at all. It was better this way. _

_**The child without a name grew up to be the hand  
To watch you, to shield you, or kill on demand  
The choice he'd made he could not comprehend  
His blood a grim secret they had to command  
**_

Snape pulled out of the grim memory, he had finally stopped pacing. The snoozing portrait was now awake. Albus Dumbledore nodded to Severus, Severus nodded back. It was time. Snape cast his patronus a doe materialized in the room. Snape commanded the faithful doe to the forest of Dean where Harry Potter was. He told the doe to lead Harry to Godric Gryffindor's sword.


End file.
